July 15th

Monday after e-mailing we went to Columbus to hang out with the elders. When we got there at first we just chilled and shot hoops. Two of the elders go to BYUI so we were swapping Rexburg stories. Then we went and played ultimate frisbee. Running around in 90+ plus humidity means you don't last long. We came inside and played scum.....I didn't think I was going to get to play that game for 18 months. It really was just what I needed; a few hours to take my mind off of other things.

Monday night I crashed. I've realized something this week. Prayer is everything. When we got in at 9 I started feeling pretty down again. I went to kneel and say my prayers and I couldn't. For probably the first time in my life I didn't want to pray. I went into the living room and just cried for 1/2 an hour. I wanted to go home. I didn't want to be here anymore. The thought of being here for another 14 months killed me. Eventually I was able to fall asleep.

Tuesday morning wasn't any better. I woke up a little before the alarm went off. I stared out the window, watching it gradually get lighter. I wanted to fall back asleep and never wake up. For the first time I really didn't want today to come.  I cried the entire time I was getting ready. The thought of going out and working that day was incredibly overwhelming. I texted President Cleveland and asked if I could call him. He told me to call him after we got done with companionship studies. Somewhere I made it through the next three hours, not really sure. When I called President I had every intention of telling him to book me the next flight to Bellingham, that I simply couldn't do it anymore. Not only was I homesick, but I felt like I had completely lost faith, that I didn't have a testimony. How could I continue to teach people something that I didn't believe in? I called President and told him how I was feeling. I didn't get the chance to tell him I wanted to go home. He asked me how my prayers were going. I told him they definitely needed work. He told me that I needed to focus on my prayers and he gave me permission to call Sister Donaldson. He also told me that I needed to tell Sister Jones everything I was feeling. After we hung up we went and gave service. Luckily it was pretty slow because I couldn't hold back the tears. My eyes would just randomly fill with tears. We came home and had lunch. Then we had to stop by a member house, Sister Jones, to pick something up. We started talking to her and then she asked me what was wrong. I just started crying and went in for a hung. She sat me down and talked to me. Luckily, at that point she was able to talk me out of going home. She explained that years down the road I would be able to tell my kids that I didn't give up even when things got hard. That I would be proud in 14 months when I got off the plan because I didn't give up. She said "Kyla Mayberry you are needed here in Seymour". Yeah members aren't supposed to call us our first name, but I needed it then. That talk was what I needed to get me through the lessons we were teaching next. I barely survived though, me head hurt and I still wanted to go home. But I survived. Because when I woke up Tuesday morning I honestly didn't think I was going to live through the day. I think I cried for 2+ hours that day. I talked to Sister Donaldson that night for a few minutes on the phone, but we didn't have too much time. She committed me to say more focused prayers and then to call her in a few days.

Wednesday morning was hard too. I was really tense during district meeting. Elder Zapata trained on the atonement and the doctrine of Christ, it was probably all for me. We got in the car and started to leave and Sister Jones asked if I was ok. I just started crying. She asked if I wanted a blessing. We quick called the zone leaders and asked them to meet us back at the church. I felt dumb, like I usually do when I have to ask for a blessing. The elders were more than willing. They didn't ask any questions, but what was said in that blessing was exactly what I needed to hear. The Spirit knows. This entire week I've been feeling like I don't have a testimony, but I realized something. I must have at least a little faith otherwise I wouldn't have asked for a blessing. It helped, things still weren't perfect. We went to have lunch at the Lykin's afterwards. Then we taught them about prayer, scripture study, and keeping the Sabbath day holy. Everything that came out of my mouth was for me. Of coarse I felt stupid for being the teaching, because I don't even understand prayer or how to receive answers. That night I read through Elder Bednar's talk from last October conference on the pavilion. That's my problem. There's definitely a pavilion. This is what I wrote in my journal that night. "I just feel so hypocritical inviting people to pray and such when I don't have a solid knowledge for myself. I feel like I didn't know anything before I came on my mission, that I didn't really have a testimony. I don't even know how to pray. I don't understand how I can invite other people to come closer to Christ when I don't even feel there myself."That basically describes how I felt last week, and still now.

Thursday was really hard too. Luckily I knew I could look forward to talking to Sister Donaldson at the end of the day. She's my hero. She felt exactly how I feel a year ago. She told me that obedience and diligence is a decision. It's a decision I need to make. I've realized sometimes I just need to talk to someone older than me. Someone whose spiritually stronger than I am. It's going to be hard in six weeks when I can't call Sister Donaldson with all of my problems haha. She loves me! Sister Jones is great, she really is. But she is 19. Something else I've thought a lot about this week. I've always been pretty independent (Sung knows that! haha). So it's been hard for me to have someone who completely relies on me. I like my space but I don't have much here. Sometimes I just want Sister Jones to just do something on her own, but then I remember that she's only been here for six weeks and this is the first time she's left home. I know I'm just being prideful. Like when we go running in the morning and I don't want to run side by side, just stupid stuff like that. Anyways, her relying on my for everything has been hard for me.

Friday I actually woke up excited, for the first time in about two weeks probably. Thursday night the Indy sisters had come so there was five of us in the apartment. Sister Cordner and I went walking that morning and just talked. She's my best friend. We have so much in common. Unfortunately she's getting transferred this week and I have no idea if she's still going to be my sister training leader. I think I'm going to die if she isn't (yes that sounds dramatic but it's the truth). I was with Sister Ware and Mumford for the day. We went and gave service that morning. These sisters have a ton of energy, they are both 19. Sister Ware actually left for Brazil today, she was a visa waiter. Anyways, during companionship study that morning Sister Ware said something completely out of the blue that I needed to hear. She told me to imagine Heavenly Father sitting in a field with His head in His hands, completely sad. He's sad because of the things you are going through. Then Heavenly Mother walks up behind Him and puts Her hands and His shoulders and tells Him that it is for your benefit. That the hard things you are going through will make you into the person that They want you to be. Heavenly Father is sad because He knows how hard it is; He wants me to be happy. I didn't know what to say when she finished. All I said was "how did you know how to say that?". Obviously I knew how. For dinner we went to the Buffet China. The spanish elders were down for the night, so all seven of us went to dinner. It was great. We had a lesson with the Gasaway's, I mean we had a missionary present lesson haha. We took a member with us, he taught about the priesthood. I couldn't get a word in haha. I tried so many times. So basically we bore testimony at the end and left them with a commitment. We made sure to stop by Saturday night to follow up with them.

So I'm reading over my journal as I write this e-mail. Both Saturday and Sunday started out really hard. I've always been a morning person, that's been my favorite time of the day. However, this week, between 6:30 and 8 have been the hardest times. Yesterday at church I was on the border of angry. I didn't want to be at church because I felt like I was putting on a face for everyone. That all these members probably thought I loved being a missionary, but in reality I didn't want to be there. Luckily Grace Lykins brought me a smile. Right before church she came and sat down next to me. So there's a ton of Lykin's in the ward ( I don't know if I've mentioned that before). So these Lykin's we've gone to their house for dinner the last four weeks because no one else signs up to feed us on Sunday's. Anyways, their two kids, Noah and Grace have gotten used to our commitments. So Grace comes up to me and tells me she forgot what we asked her to do the previous week. I just laughed. I reminded her about what we talked about. Then she said "oh yeah, I was supposed to repent every night" and smacks her palm to her head. I couldn't help but smile. I told her it was ok, that we would talk more about it that night when we came over, again. When we got there Sister Lykin had put three hot dogs on the table. She told us that for dinner we were going to split all of them haha. Then she just started laughing and got the real food. Unfortunately they are going to be out of town next week, I'm not sure what I'm going to do without eating hot dogs at their house.

I miss young women's. They got up and sang a song during sacrament and I just started to cry (for the 1,000,000,000 times this week). I miss those days. I always felt so good during YW's, especially at camp. Then I started to think about camp memories, Tyla, Hannah, Mackenzie McCleve (she's the best), the Newman's, smores, girl's talk, the list could go on. Anyways, sometimes I wish I was 16 again. Whatever.

Even this morning I didn't really want to be here. Sister Jones (the member) facebooked Kenz and asked her my favorite foods. So when we went over there for lunch today we had sweet potatoes and biscuits, she's the best! I thought it was sweet that she went out of her way to make me feel better. She even looked up stuff about the Raspberry Festival going on this week.

I've come to realize that I'm just really bipolar about being here. One moment I'm sad, that next I'm angry, and then when we start teaching or something I'm happy. This morning as we were grocery shopping and stuff, I was miserable. Now I'm feeling a little bit better. I think I'm just going to be very up and down the next several weeks. I'm not getting transferred. I honestly wanted to be done with training, but I guess I'm still supposed to be here.

This week I've realized prayer is so important. I really don't know how to pray. If you look up prayer in the Bible dictionary...well it's just really good. A friend told me last week that the only way to receive exaltation, to keep all of our agency, is to give it all to God. That's what I'm learning right now, and it hurts. Attaining exaltation is hard, because we have to completely give of ourselves to get it. I'm realizing that I'm just very prideful, that I want to do what I want to do. I'm not going to lie, most days all I want to do is jump in a pool and go to bed early. But I can't. One thing President told me last week was that this is just training. That 10 years down the road when I want to get out of marriage, I'll realize I can't. I can't just give up on things. If I give up, then I give up exaltation.  This week was probably the hardest yet. Things still aren't perfect. I still don't love being here moment of the day, I probably never will. I'm 1/4 of the way done, thank goodness. The weeks are starting to go by faster. But I'm learning lessons that can't be learned anywhere else.